- Date added
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Sept. 19, 2021, 7:42 p.m.
- Description
- Shame is different than guilt. While guilt focuses on our behavior (“I did something bad”), shame creates an identity: “I am bad.” Shame keeps us stuck, isolated, and hiding. With no way to escape from the totality of our belief (“I just am wrong”), we may do some of the following:
hide what we feel is bad about ourselves and try hard to pass as “good.”
overcompensate in other parts of life through overwork, caretaking, or perfectionism to make up for whatever is “wrong” about us.
defend ourselves from any insinuation that we might have done wrong, attempt to rationalize, or justify our actions.
blame someone else, try to divert responsibility, or shift the focus onto another.
attack anyone who draws attention toward the source of our shame, try to have power by dominating or shaming others.
numb through self-harming use of alcohol, substances, food, sex, technology, and so on.
Most of us use all of these strategies in different moments. Overaccountability and underaccountability are two sides of the same coin: “I can’t stand how bad I feel and can’t imagine making it right (overaccountability) so I’m going to hide that it (whatever it is) even happened, or lie about it or blame someone else (underaccountability).”]
